~~OVER 18 FUNNY BONE~~

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks
her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face
and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and
she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat
and then all hell broke loose.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN
HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN
THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT,
NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX
THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.
I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX
STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF
HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO
GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE
ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. 'HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, "WELL,
WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND
CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,
AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS,
AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR
BAKE A CAKE." HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO!!!!.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

A couple have been happily married for 40 years. The
only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for
air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop
ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her that he
couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to
see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the
turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She
took the bowl upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and
gently pulled back the bed covers. She pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his
usual trumpeting, followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom. The wife could hardly
control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her
eyes. After years of torture she smiled as she enjoyed getting back at
him. About twenty minutes later the husband came downstairs in
his bloodstained underpants, a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter
He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and
didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end
up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But...by the
grace of God and some Vaseline, think I got most of them back in!"

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told me
that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much
in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky
sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give
me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She
goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your cat and shit in
your purse. I'm done."

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ some medical expertise . Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him...
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off awl your crose." So she did.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to the otha side of womb." So, she did.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now craw reery, reery fass to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Juan: Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work.

The boss says: "You know, Juan, I really need you today. When I feel like
this I go to my wife and tell her that we have to have sex. That makes me
feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Juan calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great,
I be at work soon. Wow, you got nice house."